John Ahlroos

I've been postponing this post for quite some time – mostly to put some time between it and reflect as it is a highly personal subject.

Disclaimer: This post talks about death and for some might be too much; especially if you've lost someone recently. When I was grieving these kind of posts helped, but for others it might be the opposite as we all are different.*

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A couple of years ago in 2023 my dad died here in Spain.

His health had been deteriorating for quite some time and as he caught the coronavirus it was too much, and he passed. It wasn't unexpected and he didn't suffer. When we visited him the final days in the hospital here on the Spanish south coast he seemed in good mood and then all of the sudden it was over.

But even though it was expected in a sense – it wasn't.

We go about our lives thinking we are immortal, thinking our closest ones will still be there forever. Especially when it comes to our parents. But it is not true, that it is not how nature works. Everything is fleeting with a start and an end. It is the one thing no-one of us can control.

Statistically most of us will loose one or both of our parents in our 50s or 60s. Since I was the last child I came late into the world and such lost my dad the same year I turned 40. Many are unfortunate and might loose their parents earlier due to illness or accidents. Some might be in their seventies (or even 80s!!) before they loose them. We never know and we cannot affect it in any way.

It is a scary notion, isn't it? Something we cannot control.

Loss also comes with grief. This has been highly studied and it comes in stages. According to researchers the order and length of each stage might vary but we all will experience it. So did I.

At first I was numb. The phone call in the middle of the night from my mom telling me it is over was horrible. Driving to the hospital to confirm his death was horrible. Seeing the rest of my family miserable was horrible. But there was just too much to do and the first days just went by in a numb blur.

As time went by and things got slowly sorted anger and irritation set in. Silly thoughts like why do everyone get to have their parents for 10 more years on average than me, why didn't I do this and that etc. started entering my daily life. I was irritated at work and irritated at home. When people around me were celebrating this or that it felt utterly stupid.

My life went into this grey mist – the kind of mist or fog you sometimes see in movies depicting London in the middle-ages. But time went by and as the mist started clearing I also started introspecting and assessing everything more.

Walking in the mountains helped me tremendously in processing everything; the air, the calm, the wind, the rubble, the sounds, the smells, it all was somehow comforting.

As I read others stories about their journey one conversion made especially sense to me. It went something like this:

Knowing that your parents are going to die, what would you rather? Your parents die before or after you?

If your parents die before you it means that they will never have to suffer the pain of seeing you perish before them.

I think for every parent the worst case scenario is seeing their child die, so if I, as a child, can give them that comfort in ensuring they will never suffer that scenario then I am ready to suffer their loss as my loss will be magnitudes less then they losing me.

I don't know if that makes sense to you. But it clicked for me and helped me understand.

My dad spent most of the year with my mom in Spain starting over decade ago and every time we saw each other he told me how much he liked being here. The people, the food, the warmth. It was his dream which I remember him telling me when I was a young boy. He got to live out his dream and his last breaths on this earth was exactly where he wanted them to be. Not all of us are so lucky and I take much comfort in that.

My dad is still with me from time to time; memories pop up here and there, old photos cross by when looking at my photo albums. I remember some old advice he gave me that I never listened that now starting to make sense and other advice still not making any sense :D. But the mist is gone now and life is moving on – as it always does.

I acknowledge my experience is not in any way unique nor am I fishing for any kind of sympathy. I just find it helpful writing this down and if it helps anyone to process their loss, then all the better. For me it helped reading others stories as it made me feel less alone.

If you find this post via search engine and are experiencing the same, I can only tell you that it will be better and even though your loved one is gone, he or she will always be there right next to you, whenever your want to, in your memories. You just need to remember them to get them beside you.